Irretrievable
by deliriousLover
Summary: Its only now, that he's been corrupted I fully appreciate the real Peeta, The man who loved me even when I was the worst, Even when I wanted to kill him he loved me, now he's gone and in a way, I am also gone.
1. Chapter 1

Authors note at the bottom Please continue to read!

xoxox

Its only now, that he's been corrupted I fully appreciate the real Peeta, The man who loved me even when I was the worst, Even when I wanted to kill him he loved me, now he's gone and in a way, I am also gone. ~ Katniss

I watched through the glass ignoring everyone, the tubes sticking to his body like he was lab rat, My peeta lying there lifeless the only way I could know he was still alive was by staring at the small monitor beside him, beeping, Hope coursed through my veins every second that the monitor beeped, Maybe, just maybe My peeta will be okay.

"Katniss" Prim stood next me, she reached for my hand squeezing it, although I was older, she was stronger and much wiser than me, I loved her for that.

"Prim, do you think..." I stopped talking although wiser than me, prim my younger sister didn't need me to ask her weather peeta would be okay, not even she could tell me, Only time could.

"Katniss, Mother said he's doing better"

"He hasn't even woken up" I said with a soft voice, sobs threatening to escape in front of prim. Not Now Katniss wait until she is gone.

Prim squeezed my hand once more before she dropped it to leave I didn't even watch her go my eyes were glued to Peeta.

My peeta was lying there, still and its all my fault I should have done something sooner, I watched him lay there shirtless if you ignored the excessive amount of wires and tubes, you could see scars, that would never fade thanks to me and behind those scars hopefully peeta was there.

Watching him was begging to make me feel hopeless it has been a whole week he has been here in district 13 and nothing has changed it was dreadful.

7:00 was coming closer every second, I may have been excused for the week ignoring my daily schedule but dinner seemed to be one thing that at the moment I needed, whether I talked to anyone or sat by myself it actually sounded nice.

I let myself take one last look at peeta and the monitor beside him, surely I would be the first to know if anything changed, I walked away from the glass and towards the door leading me back to the outside world.

I reached the dinner hall at 7:00 exactly, I saw few people were looking at me most probably stealing glances as I was getting my food, I stood there debating whether I wanted to sit by myself or with Delly and gale I decided I had been by myself all week five minutes with delly and gale wouldn't kill me.

I sat at the table pretending to care about everyone nodding and eating as they talked to me until Delly asked me if I was okay first I just glared at her, thinking DON'T TALK TO ME! But eventually saying "fine" then getting up to go back to Peeta.

I walked to the hospital beds where, walking towards peeta's special room I could see Haymitch standing outside locking the door

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING! I NEED TO SEE PEETA"

" Katniss have you eaten, you should eat something"

"YES, I'VE EATEN NOW MOVE"

" Katniss, I can't let in, you haven't left for a whole week and..."

That was when i heard it the monitor the was beside peeta was going crazy i could hear my mother and prim trying to calm down someone who was yelling, fighting, and then hit me Peeta was yelling and fighting I ran towards the door begging haymitch to let me in, tears running down my face and then it was black, the last thing I saw was a women with a needle sticking it into my arm as Haymitch caught me when I fell.

Xoxox

Bonnie :)

Fist Fanfic for hunger games...Any good? Want more chapters... REVIEW PLEASE good and bad criticism wanted. I know its short and I plan on there being many more chapters but please review. Thanks so much for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hello, I got reviews YAY so I decided that I wanted to get this chapter up soon as possible. If you like the story Please review it motivates me to keep writing and I plan on having a fair amount of chapters for this story so please review._

_oh and Read :)_

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_They were coming, I could hear them plotting away discussing there next victim._

_Definition of victim ~ a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action._

_They walked into my cellar looking at me lying on the floor begging for mercy their white lab coats haunting me because I know what that meant, I was the victim today - there would be no mercy._

_they stood there silently making the decision 'what to do first' I watched the man take a step forward tying my hands behind my back and forcing me to stand " Washboard" He said to the female she walked over to him her eyes down cast she didn't want to watch, I hadn't seen her before either, she handed the washboard to the man, I looked into the mans eyes no mercy present he had done this before Not to me most likely to johanna this type of torture was usually what they did to her, And then it begun and it felt horrible._

I woke sweating, breathing heavily, Almost gasping for air.

The restraints on my wrist constricting me to the bed reminded me It was over, I wasn't there anymore and that white coats here, didn't mean torture, Although that thought was a comforting thought I still didn't know where I was and that alone was all I needed to fear this place.

The door swung open and Haymitch walked in.

"How do you feel, they had to drug you to get you to sleep"

"I feel..." My voice fading I didn't know how I felt I was so confused, everything in my head was jumbled.

"where am I Haymitch, Get me out of here" I looked up at him and saw his response in his face I wasn't getting out of here, at least not now.

"Your In district 13, The rebellion is going well, we have districts 3,4,5,6,7,9,10,11 now rebelling and working with us"

"What about district 12?"

"Peeta you should talk to katniss"

My eyes closed, rolled back at the mention of her name, that mutt.

"I wont do that"

"Peeta she says..."

"It doesn't Matter What she says!" Peeta Yelled fighting against the restraints "because she's lying she's a liar, you can't believe anything she says, She is some kind of mutt the capitol created to use against the rest of us"

Katniss POV.

They Let me go back to Peeta Today, I was surprised I thought the doctors along with prim and my mother would object But none did, I guess they realized it was better for me to be with him, then away from him.

I was standing watching him when Haymitch suggested that I should go In, He was awake and I loved him, I Wanted to see him but something was telling me to wait until he asked for me.

Waiting, Watching the clock tick by, each hour he was awake and didn't ask for me was like torture, Does he remember me, He knew who I was when he was asking for a cease fire. My mind was torturing itself, what if he hates you, forgot about you, what if peeta isn't the peeta who loved you, I was beginning to crack and go in without him asking for me but the same thought pulled me back every time - He will ask for you when he wants you - After a whole day of this Haymitch told me he was going in, I was debating weather to leave while he talked to peeta or to stay, I decided to stay, But as soon as I made the decision I regretted it.

for the first time in a long time I let myself drop to the ground crying, shaking, when I heard peeta say that I was mutt the capitol created to use against everyone.

My Peeta Hated me, My Peeta Wasn't in love with me, I wasted My time with him,

My Peeta wasn't even My peeta anymore.

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If I get 2 reviews I will make the next chapter twice as long, and I know that its short But I wont have internet for the rest of the night and needed to get it up before it killed me so please if you like it and want more REVIEW & ADD TO ALERTS :) xoxo Bonnie


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.

Longest chapter! 1,200 + words:)

Please enjoy...Read...Review...Add to alerts list!

CAN I ASK FOR...7 REVIEWS?

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**Katniss's Point of view**

Life.

Mine didn't matter anymore.

Prim, My Mother, and the rest of the people in district 13 could live without me, they all had food, a place to live and best of all they had the capitol falling to pieces in their hands, I've done my job ~ They don't need me. Without Peeta I had no will to live, Peeta was the one to comfort me at night, shield me from my nightmares, he always knew how to calm me down and ease the pain that I might have been feeling Without Peeta I was a tragic mess.

Pain. Without peeta all I felt was pain.

I loved peeta and I never got to tell him just how much I loved him, and Now that he has been Corrupted and My peeta is gone I don't know what to do with my love for him.

I sat on the floor in the utilities cabinet my knees pulled to my chest, my head resting against my knees and tears streaming down my face. It was true No one needed me anymore, No one has needed me since majority of the districts started to rebel against the capitol, the only reason I was still here was because of peeta, But now not even he needed me.

The Door opened and I saw gale standing in the door way

"Knew I'd find you here"

"Leave me alone"

"Nah, I think I'm gonna join you on the floor" He said pulling the door closed behind him, he sat across from me just staring at me, It had been what felt like hours before he talked

"Katniss, he'll come around, he didn't mean it you know what the capitol did to him"

"He Hates me gale! He wants me dead"

"Yes, Because you haven't given him anytime, You know what the capitol did to him"

"Stop saying that, your enjoying this aren't you, You LIKE that he hates me Because, What now I need you to protect me, to love me, Because WRONG I don't need you, I want to die Gale If you care about me put me out of my misery"

He stared at me, his lips turning into a smile. "katniss, You really think I enjoy seeing you like this, and do you really think that I would help you hurt yourself because I wont."

"No, Guess I was just hoping"

We were both silent for a while, not doing anything just staring at each other.

"Gale No one needs me, No one wants me, I have no will to live anymore Not without peeta"

" Thats not true" He looked at the ground avoiding any eye contact, he stood and just as he was about to leave

"Katniss, If that was you in peeta's position He wouldn't give up on you, Ever" He sighed " Peeta still needs you"

And then he left, those last words haunting my every thought.

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**Peeta's point of view**

Haymitch Left me after I said that Katniss was a mutt that the capitol created to use against us.

After He left I realized how lonely I was, No one ever came to talk to me, only haymitch talked to me but he hadn't come back so I decided to give in to sleep.

_It was raining, heavily It was dark and I saw my mother standing outside waving her walking stick in the air_

_Yelling, almost screaming at the girl rummaging through out garbage bin, this happened all the time But tonight it was different I looked out the bakery window to see who my mother was yelling at and then I saw her, Katniss Everdeen Was the one rummaging through our bin, But this time was definitely different I felt my heart sink Katniss needed food, I Know she Needed food because katniss everdeen would have never stooped this low unless it was a life or death situation, I was watching katniss suffer and I felt bad, that was when I dropped the bread into the fire, burning it, Not badly but it was no longer okay to sell._

_My mother walked into the house muttering words under her breath, she looked at the break that I had burnt walking over to me I knew what she was about to do, she screamed and hit me with her walking stick right under my eye, I cringed and she did it again, this time screaming at me telling me to give the bread to the pigs, My eye was already starting to swell I walked out side and was starting to pull apart the bread and throw it to the pigs when i saw katniss, sitting on the ground in the mud, in the rain her head in her hands I stood there staring at her, she looked up at me meeting my eyes and then I did, i threw the bread to her instead of the pigs - it wasn't that badly burnt she could eat it - I watched her eyes bulge as she caught the bread, she looked at me, I smiled and walked in side to meet my mother with her stick raised - she saw me throw the bread to katniss, and then I cringed and braced myself for yet another beating._

When I woke up I was still alone, I remembered my dream everything about it, it was the first time since the games that I hadn't had a nightmare, It was good dream and it was about katniss, It was so vivid It felt so real Like a memory and then I remembered 'the boy with the bread' that was me, katniss started it, That was a dream was real.

And then I said it "Katniss"

I want to see katniss.

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**Haymitch point of view**

Although I liked Peeta Better, I couldn't go in and see him after he said that about katniss, it wasn't her fault that he was being tortured in the capitol, If it was anyone's fault it was mine, Katniss asked me to save peeta to get him out of there but I refused.

Just because I wasn't going in the room to talk to Peeta, It didn't mean I wasn't watching him, Someone had to be watching him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, I was sitting behind the one way glass watching peeta, I watched him have his first peaceful sleep in the weeks he had been here, when he woke he was silent just thinking, looking around the room I was just about to swap shifts so I could eat when I heard him say "Katniss", It was a whisper but when he said her name I could tell that it wasn't full of hate.

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Did you enjoy it! I really Hope so because I really liked this chapter It it my favorite out of the 3 chapters so please review, it motivates me to keep writing because then I know people are reading the story So again Please Review...Add to alerts...And Review.

I have read the books but i'm not sure if that is exactly how the peeta giving bread to katniss went but I hope you don't mind I just tried to write it from my memory and added a few things.

**IMPORTANT: **I want to clear up something so please read.

_At the moment the story is my take on peeta in district thirteen DURING mockingjay But this story will continue to post-mockingjay_

_And I'd like to apologize because I know I am really bad when it comes to punctuation._

_COME ON GUYS 7 REVIEWS = A NEW CHAPTER _

xoxo

Bonnie


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi Everyone... And YAY I asked for 7 reviews and I got 11 so thank you so much I wasn't planning to update for about 2 days but when I got the extra reviews I decided you all deserved it early - really early because I updated yesterday. So 15 REVIEWS = NEXT CHAPTER**

**hope you enjoy this chapter and I hope its not too confusing.**

**enjoy...review...add to alerts!...and review:) :)**

**I know that it is short but If I reach the 15 reviews : next chapter I promise 2000+ words!**

**Please tell me what you think about this chapter I was happy with it but then also thought I could have done better so be honest and tell me its it any good or is it terrible!. **

**Xoxo **

**Bonnie**

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**Peeta Point of view**

Haymitch came to talk to me, He told me he had heard me say katniss's name it was silent for a while after that and then I asked him if she wanted to see me, He told me that she wanted to but was waiting until I asked for her then I said it "Haymitch I want to see Katniss preferably sooner than later, But I just want to see her" He only nodded and then got up and left acting like I hadn't said anything.

Although that had been hours ago, she wasn't coming.

Today the doctors took of my restraints so I could walk around the large room if I felt like it But the door was locked so I couldn't just waltz out of here and run away.

I was standing facing the wall, the doctors had left some paint and brushes in my room and told me if I felt like it I could paint the wall - they told me coin wouldn't mind, that it was here idea, but as if she cared about me - I picked up the brushes and started painting I didn't know what I was going to paint just that I was, It had been another long couple of hours of being all by myself, painting helped though, I wasn't as bored, I wasn't thinking of katniss as much but then I really looked at what I had painted and realized I was wrong katniss wasn't far from my mind apparently she was who I was thinking about because right there where I had been painting katniss's face was. I had painted katniss.

Staring at the painting on the wall, I couldn't seem to understand why I had painted her, there was a knock on the door - not like I had choice who ever it was, they were coming in anyway.

"Peeta" I stood there facing the wall still, I couldn't bring myself to turn around and face the real the katniss.

"Okay, I can come back later" I heard her reach for the door

"No, stay" it was silent

"Katniss, why do I hate you, why do I want you dead"

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**Katniss Point of view**

His words cut like a knife, Deep and painful - he wanted me dead, great one more name to add to list of people to not piss off-

" I-I don't know"

He laughed "you don't know, katniss, your a liar, your a killer"

"I know, I've lied and I've killed you have every right to want me dead"

He turned around to look at me "although I want you dead, I can't bring myself to understand why I want you dead, I mean look at me I don't know who I am, I woke up with a handful of memories and most of them of you and how bad you are"

"If I'm so bad, why are you talking to me, why did you want me to talk to you"

"Because, even though I only have so many memories and most of them are bad ones of you, I can't stop questioning myself, I keep dreaming about you, I think about you, Katniss look I even painted you" he said this stepping to the side to reveal the painting of me.

"Its-" peeta cut me off

"Its wrong, disgusting, foul - I hate you, you tried to kill me when all I was doing was trying to save you"

Peeta dropped to the floor, his knees pulled into his chest, he was rocking back and forth.

I knew he hated me, and just as I was about to give up I thought about the times we shared that the capitol had no idea about, if the capitol didn't know about them then maybe peeta would remember the real me.

"Peeta do you remember the bread, when I was 12 my father died and I was starving I'd never talked to you before in school, I didn't even know your name and you gave me bread, I didn't pay for it peeta, you gave it to me, I never said thank you because I knew it would never be enough, Peeta I am never going to stop owing you for that bread, to you it was just bread to me and my family it was life or death, I would have died if you hadn't give me that bread"

I couldn't wait around for this reaction I turned on my heel and as I reached the door he spoke

"Katniss I remember"

And then I left, running away from him as fast as I could back to the safety of my apartment, I didn't know why I was running but when I reached the apartment and got inside I dropped to the floor tears running down my face.

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**SO... What did you think, they talked to each other and No just because peeta remembers it doesn't mean that he is recovering there are heaps more chapters to come. Please be honest tell me what you really think about this chapter because I was happy with it but I also thought it could have been better so please review and tell me was it good or bad? **

**15 REVIEWS = NEW CHAPTER**

*** The next chapter will probably be up in about 2-3 days the quicker I get those reviews though the quicker the chapter will be up! So please review.**

**Oh and i really hope it makes sense**

**xoxox **

**Bonnie **


	5. Chapter 5

_Hey. I know it has been a whole week and I haven't updated and I get it. You Hate me, But I don't really have a reason I just didn't know what to write, So I was thinking you might have had enough of peeta / katniss where peeta hates her but then also loves her but he also has no idea so This is the LAST chapter of this confusion between them so go on, read, and tell me what you think and guess what next chapter we have some more talking between them :) Please Review and I'm sorry again for not updating quickly enough oh and guess what... I didn't reach 15 reviews but oh well you guys have been awesome so I wrote a 1400 + word chapter, so how about 17 reviews? anyone? okay enjoy _

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_He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not._

I sat on the ground in my apartment my back pressed against the door so nobody could enter, My eyes puffy and red from crying. _He loves me. He loves me not._ I wasn't sure anymore what to do, when gale told me, Peeta wouldn't give up on me I was determined to not give up on peeta, when peeta called me a mutt I was sure I was going to give up on peeta, But when Peeta doesn't even know how he feels about me, how am I supposed to know how I feel about him, if I don't know how I feel then I don't weather I should give up on him or stick by him.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes again, I wasn't brave anymore, I wasn't able to hide my feelings and fears, all I really knew at the moment was that I feared that peeta would never love me again. _He loves me not._

crying at the thought again I rocked myself to sleep, begging for darkness to take over.

_He was there. "katniss" his voice so full of love, I smiled staring down at my bare feet, looking up to take in my surroundings I saw the wired fence separating district 12 from the forest, I was in the meadow with peeta, The daisies surrounded my feet, the meadow only looked like this when we district 12 had had a good spring with plenty of sun. The clouds in the sky looked almost fake they were extremely white and...fluffy Peeta must have notices that I had drifted away from the moment because I heard him calling me back "Katniss" "Katniss" I looked up to meet his blue eyes piercing through my body sending a shiver running down my spine "Peeta" I said my voice full of the love I felt toward Him, He walked over to me slowing his bare feet stepping on the daisy that grew around us, when he reached me he took my hand lifting it to his lips, my eyes closed -Peeta does love me- _

_I opened my eyes to see the clouds were no longer white they were a dark grey, a thunder storm in the making I look down to see all the daisies around me dead, and the grass no longer green but a dead ugly brown, I looked up to see peeta still holding my hand, My bloody hand, Peeta looked up at me staring me straight in the eye "Once a mutt always a mutt" peeta's words felt like a knife had been stabbed into my stomach "peeta, Peeta what have you done" i looked down at my white dress now covered in blood I looked back into peeta's eyes - Peeta had stabbed me- i saw the knife in his hand blood dripping from the blade_

"_you took away the life of my family, many of my friends, Katniss everdeen You are killer, and now I must avenge my family and friends, Goodbye Katniss" he smiled at me when I fell to my knees in the grass staring at the only daisy left alive, a huge weight on my shoulders lifted as my eyes closed and I let go life, Peeta's laugh being the last thing I could here._

My body was cold Although I was covered in sweat, I woke crying, writhing on the floor begging for death.

At this very moment, It didn't seem so bad, Peeta was gone, so why should I still be here.

But there was always a part of me, a voice inside my head that told me Peeta was just temporarily broken, and he would be back to normal soon, but there was no evidence that could back that, yes Peeta could talk about me to haymitch without balling up his fist and having a fit about how much of a liar i am, But peeta wasn't.

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-2 weeks later-

Peeta was asking about me more, haymitch was always telling me how well he was recovering But every time I went and watched him from the behind the one way glass he didn't act like he had changed at all, I still saw the Peeta that wasn't sure weather he loved me, It didn't matter who told me anymore of the amazing accomplishment peeta had achieved, Peeta didn't love me, But I can't say the same to him because I do love him and nothing could change that.

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Today I stand next to haymitch, In front of us is Coin.

"So here is how It will work, Haymitch you stay below ground, and katniss you go to the surface of district thirteen and shoot some propos with the rest of the team, haymitch your job is to tell her what to say" she turned to a women standing behind her and whispered -loud enough for me to here- "Make her look like a fearless mockingjay because she looks like she had been ripped apart " I twisted my braid trying to pretend I didn't here it, but I did and the words then just flew out of my mouth before I could bite my tongue.

"No, I wont be your Mockingjay"

Haymitch looked at me and for the first time ever he looked dumbfounded.

Coin also stared at me.

"That wasn't the deal Miss Everdeen we get the victors out from the capitol and you would be our mockingjay, none of the victors are under any punishment which is what you asked for and peeta is out, safe and alive therefore you must be our mockingjay" coin was very serious when she said this but so was I.

"He's Not safe, and that man in the infirmary Is not Peeta and chances are it never will be again" I say the last words with tears threatening to escape but I hold them and walk out of the command room.

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Haymitch POV.

I couldn't believe what Katniss had just done. Actually I could, Because that is something katniss would do, But she doesn't realize what she has done, Peeta and all the other victors could now be in trouble and coin without doubt wont have trouble telling peeta that its katniss's fault for whats about to happen and that wouldn't help anything Peeta would be taking 2 steps forward 5 steps back, Coin stared at me for a while her eye twitching "she's your problem, Fix it" I saw her hesitate I knew she was going to say 'before something happens' but that would be giving to much away she walked out frustrated leaving me with a headache and a half and a large problem to fix. God dammit Katniss.

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soo... What did you think, if you didn't read the authors note at the top you probably should so you don't think the story is always going to be ' He loves me, he loves me not' type of stuff because it wont.

So please review let me know what you think because its important to me.!

I wont have my laptop thursday - monday so there wont be an update for about a week and half sorry guys so please REVIEW! :)

xox

Bonnie


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